* * *
He was practically bouncing off the walls
of the infirmary, except that he was standing in place, pushing up and down with his toes, so that he was a bobbing wall of
child-like excitement. Wash could scarcely contain himself. He was grinning a thin, nervous grin, and Zoe reached
over to take his hand, giving it a squeeze.
“Settle down, husband,” she
instructed patiently, an expectant smile on her own lips.
Wash
stopped bobbing. “Sorry. I’m just wondering where that doctor fellow I’ve heard so much about is.”
“I’m here, sorry, I’m
here,” Simon said, covering a yawn with the back of his hand. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. “I’m here.
So what can I do for you? Have you been feeling well?”
“About as well as I’m supposed
to,” Zoe said. “Wash decided he couldn’t
take the suspense anymore.”
“She wants to know whether it’s
a boy or a girl,” Wash said in response.
Simon nodded and retrieved something
from the cabinets, motioning for Zoe to have a seat on the diagnostic chair. He held some instruments over Zoe’s abdomen
and directed their attention to the monitor. “And if you squint really hard, you can see that you are going to be the
proud parents of a healthy, baby girl.”
“Something about that not sitting
right with you, Wash?” Zoe asked ironically in response to Wash’s
surprised expression.
Surprise gave way to a wide smile. “Not
in the least,” he replied. True, he’d somehow been expecting a son, but a daughter was every bit the same kind
of blessing. It wasn’t just a baby anymore, or a child. A daughter. “Let’s hope she takes after her mother.”
* * *
“You could name her Jayne,”
Kaylee suggested, her eyes wide and innocent as she took a large bite out of a rather bruised apple.
“Jayne ain’t no girl’s
name!” Jayne protested, glancing up from cleaning his fingernails with the tip of his knife. Zoe laughed and scribbled the name right under Gertrude on her ‘definitely not’ list. Admittedly, that was the longest list so far, but at least it was giving her a fair
idea of what her baby daughter shouldn’t be forced to go by.
“Perhaps something biblical?”
Shepherd Book offered. “Eternally popular, that’s to be sure.”
Wash
shrugged. “No offense, Shepherd, but I was hoping for something more…”
“Unique?” Kaylee supplied. Wash pointed at
her and nodded his confirmation to Book.
“What about Beatrice?” Jayne
asked, attacking a particularly obdurate bit of dirt under his thumbnail. Zoe
made a face and added another one to her ‘not’ list. Noticing that
his suggestion was met only by grimaces, Jayne said defensively, “It’s a good name! It’s my mom’s name!”
“It is a good name, Jayne,”
Wash said placating.
“But we’re trying to christen a baby here, not an 80-year-old woman.”
Simon wandered in, followed by River,
and watched Jayne’s grooming process with no small amount of trepidation. “Uh….are
you sure that’s a good idea?”
Jayne glanced up. “Haven’t cut my fingers off yet, have I?”
Simon shook his head and wandered into
the kitchen, looking for a clean mug. “But when you do, you’re going
to wind up on my doorstep.”
“Danielle?” Kaylee interrupted.
Zoe thought for a moment, then shook
her head. “I like it, but it’s too long.”
They batted names back and forth for
a while longer, but in the end made no real progress. Finally, Zoe got up from
her seat and stretched. “I’m gonna wander on up to the bridge, husband,”
she told Wash. “If
you come up with anything, give a holler.”
She pecked him on the cheek and then
mounted the short flight of steps to the bridge, where she found Mal staring pensively at the blank view screen. “Cap’n?” she asked curiously. He started
and spun in his seat to face her.
“Zoe,” he answered evenly. “Hi. I was just thinkin’.”
“’Bout what, sir?”
“’Bout this smuggling job
we’re supposed to be pullin’ off in a few days time.” He eyed
her appraisingly. Zoe scowled back; when he got that look he was usually about
ready to tell her something she didn’t want to hear. “Might be a
bit dangerous if things go south. I want you to pilot, stay in the shuttle. Me and Jayne’ll handle the delicate business transaction, as it were.”
“Sir, I’m not about to-“
“Zoe, that wasn’t exactly
a request! I’m not of a mind to start putting you in the path of a bullet
if I can’t help it, especially now that you’ve got a baby on the way.”
Noticing the way his jaw was set, Zoe
relented. It was obvious that this was one argument she wasn’t going to
win. “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” he said, slapping
his knees and getting to his feet. “I’m…uh…well, I’m
glad that you and Wash decided to raise your baby on my
ship. Honored, like.”
Zoe smiled. “Wouldn’t raise her anywhere else, sir.”
Mal raised his eyebrows. “It’s a her, now, is it?”
“Yes, sir. Shall I name her after you anyway?”
“I
knew there was a reason I picked you as a first mate, Zoe,” Mal chortled, clapping her on the shoulder before moving
towards the mess.
Zoe sat down in Wash’s seat and absentmindedly picked up his toy dinosaurs, staring out into the void. A baby girl. A daughter. With a wicked grin, she took out her list and wrote Mal firmly under ‘not’.
* * *
Wash
thought for a moment and then said in friendly, even tones, “I’m going to try and be as diplomatic about this
as I can. We’re not naming the baby Matilda!” Kaylee and Simon joined his laughter, and even Jayne cracked a smile
at his own expense.
Inara poured some tea for herself and
offered, “How about Tristan?”
Wash
shrugged, looking thoughtful, then shrugged again. “I think we might take to throwing darts about it in the end.”
“Long as you’re not throwing
them around me,” Mal said, stepping down into the mess. He patted Wash’s
shoulders and nodded towards the bridge. “The missus was calling for you. I think being pregnant has made her a teensy
bit more bossy-like.”
“A human pregnancy is remarkably
similar to a parasitic invasion of a host by Echinococcus granulosus. Signs and
symptoms resemble those of a space-occupying tumor.”
Wash
turned, along with the rest of the crew, to stare at River, who was standing innocently at the far end of the mess, halfway
through the door. She had a hand on her belly, then raised it to eye level, turning her head quizzically to look at it. She
gave Wash a hooded glance, then went and sat down next to Kaylee and Simon on the couch in the corner of the mess.
“That’s more or less what
my mother said about me bein’ born,” Jayne said, spitting on his knife and wiping it off on his shirt.
Mal gave Wash another pat on the shoulder. “You’re brave man to be raising a girl here.”
Heading up to the bridge, Wash grinned, “You’re a brave man to let a girl be raised
here.”
He stepped quietly past the crew bunks
on his way up to the bridge, thinking about names. He’d been working under the assumption that his first-born was going
to be a son, but now that it was going to be a girl… There were some names he thought could still work. Not Jayne, he told himself. Definitely not Jayne.
Tip-toeing up to the bridge, Wash leaned around the doorway to see Zoe sitting his chair, playing
with his dinosaurs. His jaw dropped and he raised a finger in surprise. He’d always suspected that Zoe played with the
dinosaurs when he wasn’t looking. She liked to tease him about the toys every now and then, but didn’t seem to
care one way or another. Said it was part of why she loved him. And now here she was!
“…a fearsome tyrannosaur,
and you’re a meek,” Zoe paused, unsure of what to call the long-neck. “You’re a meek little dinosaur
with a long neck! Our romance is obviously not meant to last!” The tyrannosaur turned away from the long-neck, but she
made the less fearsome dinosaur catch up with the carnivore. “Wait! I love you! We will find a new place to call home,
a place where we can be with each other happily! We will find a new land, and call it-“
“This land!” Wash finished for her, chuckling. Zoe dropped the dinosaurs and put her hands in her lap,
looking around nonchalantly. Wash leaned on the back of
the chair and said, “Ah ah ah! I caught you this time! You were playing with the dinosaurs!”
“Maybe,” Zoe offered, neutrally,
a guilty smile on her face.
“And that means I get to shoot
somebody next time we get into a firefight, right?”
“No, husband,” Zoe corrected
him patiently. She got up and put her arms around Wash.
“Did you come up with any good names?”
“I came up with some pretty bad
ones,” Wash said, pulling her close. “Captain
said you were calling for me?”
“No, but now that you’re
here, I’m not complaining.”
They maneuvered back around to the pilot’s
seat, and Wash dropped into it, with Zoe seated across his
lap. “I was thinking something with a kind of old-time feel to it,” Wash
said. “Cinderella, maybe.”
Zoe gave him a playful punch in the arm.
“We’re not naming her ‘Cinderella’.” She cut him off before he could make his next suggestion.
“Or Snow White.”
“Snow who?” Wash replied innocently. He pulled his wife a little closer and gave her a kiss. “Did
Mal have any good ideas about names for the baby?”
“No, just job details. I’m
going to be piloting the shuttle in, it’s just going to be him and Jayne making the drop.”
“Rightfully so,” Wash nodded. “Smuggling and trading money with bad men is no
place for my baby. Both of them.”
Zoe leaned her head against Wash’s. “That’s sweet. I don’t think its going
to be a dangerous job, but I guess that’s the way it’s going to be from here on.”
“Maybe he can start taking Simon
instead. Make a right menacing scoundrel out of him.”
“That’d just put us in more
danger.”
“I’ll always be there to
catch you if you fall,” Wash assured her.
“And I’ll kill the big scary
men with guns,” Zoe said.
“I knew I married you for a reason.”
They laughed together quietly in the
blissful privacy of the bridge, and Zoe rested her head on Wash’s
shoulder until a bark from Mal summoned them both back down to the mess.
“What do you think of Tabitha?”
Zoe asked as they headed down.
Wash
turned them name over in his head and nodded. “Sounds fierce.”
* * *
“Surprise!”
Wash
stopped so suddenly that Zoe nearly ran into her stunned husband, and she peered around his shoulder to get a good look at
the mess. While they were on the bridge, the rest of the crew had apparently
decided to do a little redecorating, for there were streamers hanging from the ceiling and gifts and any manner of foodstuff
littering the table. She looked up at Wash,
whose mouth was hanging open, and gave him a little shove.
“Dear, you’re going to attract
flies.”
Wash
shut his mouth with a snap, and the two of them stepped into the mess, where they were promptly greeted by Kaylee. “What is all of this?” Zoe asked her.
“It’s a baby shower!”
Kaylee chirped. “I know it’s a little early, but it’s been
kinda rocky lately so we wanted to cheer you up. D’you like it?”
Zoe reached over and gave her a hug. “It’s wonderful, thank you, Kaylee,” she assured her, and Kaylee
beamed at the praise.
Everyone piled their plates with food,
and as soon as they had finished Kaylee shoved several of the packages under Zoe’s nose.
Zoe smiled at her somewhat indulgently and picked up the first package. Tearing
away the paper, she revealed…a wrench?
“That one’s from me,”
Mal announced. Wash
leaned over and stared at the strange gift in confusion. “I hope you like
it, Wash, cause you’re gonna be getting awfully close
to that wrench. We’re gonna tear out that old smuggler’s hold we
never use so you two’ll have more room for the baby an’ all.”
Wash
picked up the wrench and frowned. “There’s something ironic about
putting a baby in a former smuggler’s hold, I just know it…”
Zoe stifled a laugh and said, “The
extra space’ll be wonderful, thanks, sir.”
“My pleasure,” Mal replied
with a wink. Zoe grabbed a rather large cardboard box that had “from Jayne”
scrawled across the top in big block letters. Reaching in, she pulled out a small
handgun and a pair of knit booties.
“So’s she’ll be able
to fight proper…when she grows up, like,” he amended when Zoe shot him a bemused look. “And the sock-things are from my mom.”
“Thank you Jayne, that was very…sweet
of you. Be sure to thank your mom for us, too.”
As she reached for the next gift, Kaylee
squealed, “That’s from me!” and then blushed. Zoe struggled
with the intricately tied bow, firmly refusing Jayne’s offer of assistance of his rather uncleanly knife. She finally got it undone and pulled out a handmade mobile with little origami cranes dangling from a wood
frame. Shepherd Book took the mobile from her hands and hung it on a rod that
dangled over the cradle he had made.
They received a straightforward photo
album from Inara, but Simon and River’s gift was also rather cryptic. Zoe
stared down at the capped hypodermic needle nestled in the tissue paper and admitted, “I’m sorry, I don’t
get it.”
“I’ll get your daughter a
full set of immunizations,” Simon clarified. “There’s something
else, too.” Zoe lifted the tissue to reveal a framed black-and-white image
of their unborn daughter.
Wash
whispered in her ear, “Look, honey, we’re having a baby static!” Zoe
punched him in the arm and thanked Simon politely.
River stared at her in that creepy way
of hers that always made her skin crawl. “A meteor entering planetary atmosphere
glows briefly in the night sky, delivering wishes before it burns up,” she said, her eyes large and luminous in the
flickering glow of the candles that had been set out on the table.
“No night is complete without hearin’
somethin’ spooky from that one,” Mal observed, leaning back in his chair and resting his boots on Jayne’s
shoulder. Jayne snarled and hit Mal’s feet away, causing the captain to
nearly topple over backwards and eliciting laughs from the rest of the group. A
timer beeped, and Kaylee disappeared into the kitchen, returning with a large cake, which was devoured as the night wore on.
After everyone else had finally gone
to bed, Zoe and Wash sat alone in the midst of the remains
of the party. Zoe yawned and rested her head against Wash’s chest as she tapped the cradle Shepherd had given them, gently rocking it back
and forth.
“They’re good people, Wash,” she observed sleepily.
“Yep,” he agreed, stoking
her hair. “You won’t fine a better place to raise a child.”
Zoe smiled and reached up to pull his
head down to hers and kissed him softly.
* * *
Wash
was sitting on one of the counters in the infirmary, drumming his fingers impatiently. He jumped off the counter, walked to
the other side of the infirmary, turned around and walked back the way he came, hopped back onto the counter long enough to
tap his fingers on any convenient surface and repeat the process. He managed to cross the infirmary several times before Simon
arrived.
The doctor paused as soon as he caught
sight of Wash, waiting expectantly. “Is everything
ok, Wash? Where’s Zoe?”
“I’d like to know that myself,”
Wash said, folding his arms and leaning forward on the balls
of his feat. On cue, Zoe appeared in the doorway and slipped past the doctor, freezing as she caught Wash’s gaze. “Where have you been? I’ve been here for fifteen minutes,
waiting!”
“You’ve been here for fifteen
minutes?” Simon repeated, surprised at the change in Wash’s
punctuality. In the weeks before the baby shower, only days past, it would have been amazing for Wash to show up at all; and
now he was waiting fifteen minutes early. Simply amazing.
“The captain and I were talking
about the job. You know, that thing that people do to have money to feed their children?” Zoe crossed her arms and met
Wash’s stare.
“Don’t you need to make sure
you’re going to have a healthy child before you start worrying about feeding it?” Wash returned.
Simon led Zoe over to the diagnostic
chair, increasingly familiar with the strange mix of banter and argument that characterized Wash and Zoe’s marriage. He asked her the usual questions and got the usual answers.
“Everything seems to be in order,” he announced, eager to slip out, just in case this turned into a real argument,
although those had been rare lately. “I’ll see you next week?”
“And on the dot!” Wash called after him. He turned to Zoe, allowing a smile to brighten
up his stern expression. “So what’s going on about the job? I thought it was another one of those simple smuggling
things. We land, you take the goods out in the shuttle, come back with nice, shiny money, and we fly off to our next caper.
Except now you don’t get shot at.”
“That’s right, dear,”
Zoe said, getting to her feet. “Now I get to stay all cozy like in the shuttle while the bad men shoot at Jayne and
the captain. Maybe I’ll start knitting.”
They stepped out into the cargo bay and
began climbing the stairs up as Mal started down.
“Zoe, Wash, good,” he said,
meeting them on the walkway. “Look, we’ve got an eensy bit change of plans.”
“Change of plans?” Wash repeated, looking dubious.
“Something wrong, sir?” Zoe
asked, all business.
Mal shook his head. “It’s
probably nothing. Can’t get a hold of Hauser on the comm. Zoe, you’re with me and Jayne; Wash, you’re piloting the shuttle. Bring as many guns as you like.” Wash raised his hand. “No guns for Wash.”
”You think someone topped Hauser?”
Zoe asked.
“Wouldn’t be the first time
someone’s tried,” Mal agreed, heading down. “If someone did, though, the deal should still be good. But
I don’t want to be caught unprepared, like. We’ll make the drop, get some decent wage, and head off. No chances,
no maybes, and if it gets bad, we get gone.”
“Hopefully after we get paid,”
Jayne grumbled, following past the captain.
Wash
and Zoe left it to Jayne and the captain to get the goods loaded on the shuttle and went up to their quarters to get ready.
Wash frowned the whole way.
“No chances?” he repeated.
“Aren’t we already taking a chance by assuming that the new guy won’t
be some psychotic criminal mastermind who doesn’t like to pay hard-working parents as much as Hauser?”
“We’ve been in these kinds
of situations before. Sometimes the middleman gets shuffled off and we deal with his replacement. It’s that easy, Wash.”
She stopped him in the hallway and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t worry; I’ll shoot any bad men who
try to come after you. And you catch me when I fall. That’s the deal, right?”
“Till death do us part,”
Wash said cheerily. He made a face as they continued on.
“I’ve always hated that line.”
* * *
Zoe leaned down to adjust her thigh holster
as she, Wash, Jayne and Mal boarded the shuttle. Sliding into the copilot’s seat, she went through the standard pre-flight checks with Wash. As soon as they
were free from Serenity, she leaned back and watched the atmosphere burn to plasma
through the window as they fell out of orbit to Beaumonde. Beaumonde was closer
to the Core, and was better developed than the planets Serenity tended to frequent
because of it. As they broke through the cloud cover, the planet’s largest
city, Naias, sprawled beneath them, edging its way out onto fingers of land that jutted into the sea. Wash guided the shuttle towards a large
building in the shadier part of town, by the docks, and set them down on the roof with a gentle bump.
“Zoe, Jayne, let’s get the
cargo out,” Mal ordered, pointing to the three large containers sitting behind him.
“Wash, stay here and don’t fly off without us.”
Unloading the cargo went smoothly, but
after ten minutes all four of them were justifiably nervous. Finally, the door
at the far end of the roof opened, and four men joined them on the roof.
“I don’t believe we’ve
met before,” Mal said casually to the man who was in the lead. The man
stopped on the other side of the boxes and eyed Mal warily.
“No, we haven’t,” he
said at length. “I’m Jordan. Hauser got caught up with another deal. I
apologize for our late arrival.”
“Well, there’s your goods,”
Mal said, pointing at the cargo. “You just give us the money and we’ll
be on our way.”
Jordan’s eyes shifted to the roofline.
“Yes…about that. My employer instructed me to give you fifteen
percent, no more.”
Mal raised his eyebrows. “Twenty is what we agreed upon when we took this job,” he said as he nonchalantly flipped back
the hem of his jacket to reveal the gun that was holstered to his side. Jordan’s eyes flickered once more to the building’s
edge, and Zoe, her suspicions raised, moved over to investigate. Her heart leapt
into her throat as she leaned over the low wall to get a good look at the street below.
“Sir, we’ve got company,”
she announced in a deceptively calm voice. “Lots of company. The unwanted, Federal type.”
Mal’s weapon was drawn and aimed
before she had finished the sentence. “You want to tell me what this is
all about?” he asked Jordan.
“Let’s just say that the
Alliance pays a lot better than your former friend Hauser,” Jordan sneered. Zoe noticed him fingering
something in his pocket, but before she could react the shipping containers exploded in a fury of heat and shrapnel. Zoe threw herself to the ground and covered her head with her hands. When the noise had died down, she was back on her feet with her gun firmly in her hand. Bullets were already flying through the smoky air, and as Zoe dropped the nearest thug with a well-placed
shot to the chest she heard Mal shout, “Wash, start
her up!”
“I can’t!” Wash answered. “The
blast shorted all the circuitry, I need someone to hit the manual reset and we better pray the board isn’t dead when
the power comes back on!”
The gunmen were headed for the stairwell,
no doubt looking for cover on the inconveniently vacant roof. Zoe shouted, “I’ll
get it!” and began to run towards the shuttle, trying to face front as much as possible.
Reluctantly holstering her gun, Zoe stood on her toes and wrenched the service panel open. “Which one is it?” she yelled.
“The one that says ‘manual
reset!’”
Zoe stared at the switches and handles
in frustration, ducking as a bullet whizzed by inches from her head and buried itself in the shuttle’s hull. “NONE of them say ‘manual reset,’ Wash!”
There was a pause. “Then look harder!”
Despite the situation, Zoe rolled her
eyes and, after a moment’s hesitation, began to flip every switch on the board.
Desperate times called for desperate measures. Finally, she heard Wash’s yell of triumph, and started to move away from the shuttle
and out of the line of fire.
Suddenly, she stumbled.
Falling to her knees on the concrete,
she looked down at the bright red blood that was spilling uncontrollably from the burning hole in her abdomen. She opened her mouth to call out for help, but horror struck her mute.
Pressing her shaking hands to the wound, gasping with pain, she watched as blood ran between her fingers. Then Mal
was kneeling next to her.
“Oh, no, Zoe, Zoe…” There was so much blood. She barely felt
his body against hers as he picked her up. “Jayne, leave it! I said, GET OVER HERE! Wash,
we need to be home yesterday!” So much blood. “Zoe? Stay with me here!”
Her vision was blurring. She thought she heard Wash’s voice
just before everything faded.
Wash.
The baby.
Tabitha.
* * *
He was sitting at the shuttle’s
controls, racing away from the rooftop, away from the scummy port town, away from the planet. He was barely aware of piloting
through a brief cloudbank, clutching at the controls to keep the shuttle steady. The shuttle broke atmo and minutes later,
Serenity appeared as a speck against the starfield. Beside him, Mal radioed Kaylee,
told her to get the engines started, to have Simon ready the moment they landed.
He didn’t quite register Jayne
saying, “I got the whoo dahn shot her. And the money. Bunch’a candy-loving
shu ma nyaow.” Jayne stopped and was quiet for the rest of the short trip
back to the ship.
Mal was in the rear, attending Zoe best
he could. Wash knew he was back there. He knew his wife
was back there, had briefly glanced back as the shuttle lifted off, seen Jayne firing his gun, Vera, down at the Feds as the shuttle door closed. He’d seen blood. Too much blood.
And then his attention had been on the
flying. Another time, he’d have simply headed straight for Serenity, bucking
any Alliance gunships that tried to swat them down. But there
were no gunships, and a straight burn for Serenity would have given them away,
and been too rough. Too rough for Zoe.
The shuttle connected solidly with the
docking rails and slid partway into its nook over the wing. There was a clang and bump and then they were docked. They were
back aboard Serenity. Safe.
He unbuckled the harness and stood up,
heard commotion behind him. Someone called his name. But he didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want to face
it. If he turned around, he’d see his beloved wife, that brave warrior woman, with too much blood on the outside. He’d
see the years they’d spent together flash by, hear her tell him how much she loved him, all the little moments they’d
share together. He’d hear her remind him how she’d shoot the bad men, and that he was supposed to catch her when
she fell. The last thing he would hear was her speaking a name. The name of their daughter.
He didn’t want to turn around.
To his surprise, while his vision of the future had unfolded in his mind’s eye, his feet had made the decision for him.
And the rest of his body had gone along with it. He’d helped move Zoe onto the stretcher, grabbed the rear handles while
Mal was at the head, following Simon urgently, carefully, down to the infirmary.
They lifted her onto the diagnostic bed,
and Wash took a step back. Simon moved with the confident
grace and skill of the genius professional he’d always said he was. The doctor, quite unknowingly, moved to block Wash’s view of his wife. All he could do was stare. The Shepherd
slipped past and the doctor quickly put him to work, getting tubes and tools out while Simon got Zoe’s armor off so
he could see the wound. All he could do was stare.
“Wash?” It was the captain.
He should say something. He was supposed to do something.
“I’ll set us a course,”
he began haltingly, still staring at the doctor’s back, and what he could see of Zoe’s feet.
“I’m going to take care of
that. Just, stay out of the doctor’s way. Let him work his trade. Zoe’s been through worse. She’ll make
it.” He was gone, leaving Wash to stand alone, completely
uncomprehending of the scene playing out before him. Simon and Book moving here and there, tubes and wires connecting his
wife to strange machines. He’d been in hospitals before, had seen the infirmary at work like this before, but it just
wasn’t registering. He wasn’t really seeing it. He wasn’t seeing Zoe.
Someone was calling his name. The doctor.
“Wash? You need to leave.”
The Shepherd ushered him out of the infirmary,
setting him down on the couch. Book lingered a moment, then headed back into the infirmary, shutting the doors behind him.
The bulkhead stared back at Wash. He
thought about the many times Zoe had cheated death. He thought about the narrow escapes and the nights spent together, warm
in their bunk. He remembered meeting her aboard Serenity, back when he was still
wearing that silly mustache. Getting married. He remembered dozens of arguments and reconciliations.
He remembered the baby.
Her name exploded in his mind and a pain
and fear that were not entirely physical, not entirely emotional, somehow conspired to aid him in slipping off the couch,
landing awkwardly on the deck, still staring at the bulkhead.
His daughter.
Minutes stretched into hours, and it
felt like years went by with only Wash on the deck and the
bulkhead across from him to keep company. At some point, the terrible picture show of his mind started playing the life story
of his daughter against the bulkhead. He watched her happy birth, being raised on a daring ship of honorable thieves, growing
into a beautiful young woman who could shoot in her sleep and fly a ship just as well. He saw her start a family. He saw her
grow old and…
“Wash?” The doctor was standing
halfway outside the infirmary; one foot in, one foot out. Wash
got to his feet somehow; his legs felt like jelly.
“How is she?”
“She lost a lot of blood, but I
managed to repair the nick to her aorta in time. She also has some damage to the spleen, but…well, her body couldn’t
tolerate surgery much longer, and with any luck the damage should repair itself. I’ve got her on oxygen support and
two large-bore IVs. She’s not out of the woods yet, but assuming the sutures hold, it doesn’t look like she’s
in immediate danger.” He hesitated.
“Wash,” he began slowly. “It’s about the baby.”
Wash’s
breath caught. He wanted to grab the doctor by the collar and shake the answer out of him, but his arms wouldn’t move.
“What about the baby?” he asked, raggedly.
“Zoe… lost too much blood
and your- the baby… Wash, I’m sorry. The baby’s
dead.”
The baby.
Simon was still talking. “There
was nothing I could do. She’d lost too much blood too fast and I… I’m sorry. You can see Zoe now, for a
few minutes.” He stepped aside and Wash walked into
the infirmary with stiff, halting movements. Simon waited at the door.
Wash
took Zoe’s hand in his and held it to his lips. His vision had blurred, but he wasn’t looking at anything. He
couldn’t see anything. The baby. He felt wet tracks on his cheeks. The baby.
And when it came time for the doctor
to usher him out, Wash found himself once again staring
at the bulkhead with only one thought in his mind.
The baby.
* * *
She heard voices, faintly at first, filtered
through the soft hum that filled her ears. Hands occasionally brushed against
her forehead, her palms. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. Something was in her throat. She couldn’t breathe.
“Zoe?” She looked up, seeing
her expression of wide-eyed panic mirrored in her husband’s face. “Doctor,
she’s awake, something’s wrong!”
Simon moved into her field of vision. To Wash, “Try to keep her still.”
Then, “Zoe, I need you to stop fighting and look at me. There’s
a tube down your throat that’s helping you breathe. When I count to three,
you need to breathe out, okay?”
She stared back at him, terrified. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t helping her breathe, quite the opposite
actually. But she obeyed, and then it was gone.
Zoe took a deep lungful of air and began to cough in earnest, wincing in pain.
Simon slipped a mask over her face; she tried to push it away, but he grabbed her hand and said, “You need it,
Zoe. Leave it.” Weakly, she
nodded and dropped her hand back to her side. “I’m going to give
you some medicine for the pain.”
“Wash,” she said thickly. Her throat was
sore.
“I’m here, baby, I’m
here.” She felt his hand on her forehead again and leaned into the touch.
“Water?”
Wash
shook his head. “The doctor says not yet.”
She sighed, letting her eyes drift shut. “The baby…is the baby okay?” she mumbled. It felt like her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.
There was a long pause. Too long.
She knew.
She didn’t want to open her eyes,
didn’t want to see the tears running down Wash’s
cheeks as he told her that their daughter was dead. She began to cry, drawing
great, wracking breaths that tore at her stitches and her soul. Slowly, everything
began to fade out once more.
Oh, no, no, oh Lord, please, not Tabitha. Don’t take my baby girl.
With a final sob, she murmured the name
of her dead daughter and fell into a fitful sleep.
* * *
Wash
flipped the switches above the navigation console, made a minor adjustment to the course, and sat back in his chair. They
were en route to a fueling station to refuel and pick up supplies, then off to meet another potential employer. Life went
on.
His eyes lighted on the long-neck dinosaur
balanced on the console beside a palm tree and a three-horn. He kicked at it, missed, and swore loudly.
“Wash, are we set?” Mal asked, stepping onto the bridge.
Biting back a sharp retort, Wash managed, “Yeah, we’re sailing.” He clenched
a fist and tried to will the captain away. He didn’t want the conversation that was about to come find him.
“How are you doing?”
Wash
rolled his eyes. There it was. The good captain’s generous inquiry into his emotional health. He turned around in his
seat and stood up. A half-dozen different responses flashed through his mind, but once he’d settled on one, his throat
had already thickened.
“No chances, no maybes!”
he snapped. “If things look bad, we get gone! Do these sound like familiar words to you?”
“They’re my own,” Mal
said calmly.
“Well, we got gone, just after
things got bad! Sir!” Wash continued. “We got
gone a little too slow and things got real bad! Pretty gorram bad!” The captain
didn’t say anything. And he got it, Wash understood
what was going on. “And I’m supposed to feel better after this little shouting fit, aren’t I? I’m
supposed to lay all the blame on you and get it all out of my system and move on!
“Well, screw that! It is your fault,
Mal! It’s your fault that my daughter is dead! It’s your fault that Zoe got shot! It’s your fault because
you and she fought in the war together and became great pals, and you bought a ship, and needed a pilot! It’s your fault
that I have a wife! That I had a daughter! And that I lost her!
“It’s all your fault!”
Wash’s
fist rushed towards Mal, but the captain neatly sidestepped it. Wash
stumbled against the bulkhead, and leaned against it, exhausted by his outburst. “It’s your fault,” he repeated,
panting. He stumbled back to his seat and collapsed into it.
Mal waited patiently for Wash to regain his composure, seated across from him.
“Everything,” Wash said thickly. “That’s happened is your fault. And
if I could have gotten you shot instead of Zoe, I’d do it myself. If I-“ He faltered. “If I could trade
you for my daughter back…” He turned away abruptly.
Wash
felt Mal’s hand on his shoulder and half-expected another burst of fury. He wanted to lash out, at someone, anyone.
But Jayne had already killed the bastards, and if it was Mal’s fault that he’d lost a daughter, it was also Mal’s
fault that he’d had a wife in the first place.
He let his head hang and hid his face
behind his palms.
* * *
Sometimes it was still hard to believe
that her daughter was gone. And sometimes, it was hard to believe that she’d
been there in the first place. Tabitha had flitted into their lives, an unexpected
and initially unwanted miracle. She’d brought them joy and anger, bliss
and sorrow.
Sorrow.
Zoe carefully rolled onto her side, hissing
at the sharp pain that ran along her spine. She was on the mend, still hurting,
but Simon assured her it would get better with time. If only he could say the
same thing about her heart. Settling her head back onto the pillow, she stared
blankly at the wall. The wall that would have been torn down to make room for
Tabitha, when she was born. She thought at this point she should have cried herself
dry, but the tears started again. At that moment she would have done anything
to make the dull, persistent ache go away. Anything to have her daughter back.
A knock on the door startled her from
her revere, and she hastily wiped the tears from her face as Kaylee walked in holding a tray.
“I brought you some soup,” she said, setting the tray down on the nightstand.
Zoe turned back to face the wall. “I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat, Zoe,” Kaylee
pleaded. Zoe ignored her. She could
hear the pity in her voice.
After a while Kaylee left, clearly discouraged. Zoe didn’t care. The soup cooled
on the nightstand, untouched.
* * *
The mobile hung over the head of the
cradle, the origami cranes turning slowly in the still air of the cargo hold. Shepherd Book stood at one end of the cradle,
his Bible held against his chest, while Zoe and Wash stood
together at the head, holding each other.
“I’d like to close with a
passage from 2 Samuel,” Book said solemnly. He opened his Bible and read, “David pleaded with God for the child.
He fasted and went into the house and spent the nights lying on the ground.
“But on the seventh day the child
died.
“Then David got up from the ground
and ate. When his servants questioned him, he answered, ‘While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought,
“Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.” But now that he is dead, why should I fast?
Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.’”
The Shepherd closed the Bible and bowed
his head. “May the Lord God send blessings of peace upon Tabitha Zoe Warren and fill the hollows she left with bountiful
love. Amen.
“Wash, Zoe, I’ll leave the
final words to you.” Book took a step back, and then turned walked away, leaving the mourners to the words they had
prepared and the empty cradle.
Wash
took a moment to steel himself, then produced a neatly folded scrap of paper from his pocket. “Your mother and I had
a lot of arguments over whether or not we were going to have a child. We both wanted to, but I wasn’t ready for it.
I didn’t think it was a good time to be raising a child. To raise a daughter.
“And the day I found out you were
going to be a part of our lives, I was stunned. But your mother, and the people you’d’ve called ‘aunt’
and ‘uncle’, got me past that and helped to realize what a… what a gift you were. One of the best surprises
of my life.
“I got used to the idea of a baby
girl. I was looking forward to it, could hardly wait. After all that, I wasn’t ready to lose you. At first, I could
hardly get my mind around the thought of you entering our lives, and then I couldn’t wait for it to happen. For you
to happen.
“But now I think it’ll be
a long time before we see each other again, but when we do, I’ll be able to tell you all about your brothers and sisters,
and the family that you’ll always be a part of.”
Zoe let the tears run unchecked down
her cheeks. Wash
wrapped his arms around her tightly as she lifted her own paper and began to read. “I
don’t know how I became pregnant with you; it was either an accident or a miracle, and probably a little of both. But I was so excited, so excited to have you brought into our lives. I loved being pregnant, knowing that you were curled up warm and safe inside me, but more than anything
I couldn’t wait for you to be born.
“I had so many plans for you, my
daughter. I wanted to see your first smile, your first words, your first steps. I wanted to hold you when you cried and comfort you when you were sad. I wanted to watch you grow up strong and healthy and happy.
“No one told me that I shouldn’t
make these plans, Tabitha. No one told me that you would be taken from me as
quickly as you were given.” She swallowed roughly and forced her words
past the tightness in her throat.
“I didn’t get a chance to
say hello, and now I don’t know how to say goodbye. But when I see you
again, even though I never got the chance to see your beautiful face, I will recognize you, my daughter. I love you.” Her voice broke, and she and Wash gently lay their letters in the empty basinet, beside the empty
photo album and empty booties, next to the grainy image of their daughter.
* * *
Fin